Here comes the reason for my next diet...

State Fair...Cream puffs...and bacon anything...

Summer in Milwaukee can be summed up in 3 words...Summerfest, State Fair...and Summerfest already seems like such a long time ago...

I'm posting this picture of my former co-worker Gene Mueller, just to prove to my son that I actually have met him, worked with him, and hopefully this will even give me some street cred to him...make me appear more "in touch" and maybe even...hip? (Is that even a word anymore?)..."hip" use to mean cool...but at my age--one wrong step off my couch--it could actually mean my hip...and several thousand bucks in doctor fees....

This picture was taken last year at the Wisconsin State Fair and I deliberately made the photo small, not because Gene isn't as cute as heck...he is...but, because I don't want to see a photo of my face any bigger then it needs to be...In fact, last year, I chose not to put this photo on my facebook even though I wanted my son to see it, just because I hated how I looked...But isn't life weird?...I've had so many awful pictures taken of me in the past year that THAT photo of me no longer looks as horrible to me as it did last year...that, or my eyesight is failing...

Today is 2 days before the start of another State Fair, and 13 days before the start of my next new diet plan...

...Yeah, it's too late to even try to lose weight for this year...but thanks to last year's photos, I know what shirts to avoid wearing...this is one of them...the other is an Hawaiian shirt that I bought several years ago in Naples, Florida, that I absolutely loved wearing until I saw a picture of me at the fair wearing it...what are the odds that I'll see some poor schmuck wearing my ridiculously comfortable but unflattering Hawaiian shirt while chomping on a cream puff, totally unaware that any picture taken of him, or her at the fair, will be the reason that my once treasured Hawaiian shirt, will once again turn up in the "sale" rack at the Salvation Army?

Scenes from a Wedding....

So I went to this wedding over the weekend...

A certain member of my family, who will remain nameless mainly because I LOVE her very much, and also because I'm already in trouble...Well, this person decided to get married over the weekend to a man who has a family who has never been housebroken...I guess that's the nicest way to put it...Not all of his family...just his mom Boozy, her sister Floozy, her other sister, Loser, and the other cousin, Maggot Breath...OH! And Maggot's idiot girlfriend...


Now, I have been shielded from this idiot family for years by my sainted husband whose name I refuse to mention although it wouldn't matter since he never reads my blog...But this weekend our families came together in only a way that could have included 3 cops, 2 forest rangers, and the proverbial cherry on top...a$$ whupping...And it all started when I, (yes me...I had finally had had enough at the reception and politely asked Maggot's girlfriend to leave, in a real quiet, hushed, polite sort of way...in front of the entire wedding bridal party while one of the groomsmen was making a speech...)

Her name, I later found out (when I filled out the police report) was Cirrhosis Liver...Now, what finally yanked my admittedly short chain was her throwing a beach ball at one of the speakers...and heck yeah, his speech had gone on a little bit too long, and it was dry, but that could've been because it was a "dry wedding"...NO BOOZE ALLOWED... Not that it mattered to Maggot, Cirrhosis and a few other members of this family, they got around the "dry wedding" part by coming to the wedding drunk, and astonishing to me--although I admired their dedication to the non-sobriety cause--stayed consistently drunk for four hours...that's right...they were solidly drunk for four hours...Not once did any of them appear to sober up in even the tiniest degree...(I, I am but an amateur to these people, I can do about a half hour of slurred speech, followed by about 20 minutes of banging into chairs and once, I was so drunk, I was actually able to strap on a pair of six inch heels--crazy, I know!--and walk around for a brief minute and a half before I realized..."I'm WEARING SIX INCH HEELS"...and ended up before the porcelain throne. In fact, most of my experiences with alcohol ends up in front of the throne, which is why, even today, if I even think there's a chance of booze, I clean the toilet before hand, just in case, that's what wisdom does for you)

Any way, where the heck was I...Oh yes, at a wedding...we have a groomsman and a speech that's about 5 minutes to long and still going strong, and a party guest named Cirrhosis, with her back to the speeches dumping her food (that I helped pay for) all over herself, the floor, and talking...I mean, slurring loudly, when she got the bright idea of flinging a beach ball at the kid giving the speech...OK, OK, here's where I come in...I didn't have a part in the wedding, and that's probably a good thing because in any wedding I was a bridesmaid, they eventually broke up, Why? Let's just say I'm like a broken mirror and 7 years bad luck and blah, blah, blah, where am I? Oh yeah...

At this particular wedding, my part, was to shut the heck up, and stay out of the way of everyone, and to have a good time...which I did before the beach ball, and I simply got up, put my face a few inches from Cirrhosis, and told her, politely to get out...now...Although honestly, it was more like GET OUT NOW...OK, OK, it was more like, "HEY YOU STUPID DRUNK, I PAID FOR ALL THAT COLESLAW YOU JUST DUMPED ALL OVER THE FLOOR THAT I'M GOING TO PROBABLY HAVE TO CLEAN UP (and I eventually did, because it was a rented hall) AND YOU CAN JUST STRUT YOUR DRUNKEN BUTT (a$$) OUT OF HERE...

But please, before you leave, take one of these ceremonial keychains with you so you will always be reminded of the great time you had at this wedding...Or maybe I didn't add that last part, but I might've as that sounds like something I would say...

Well, members of that family followed her out, there was a punch thrown, another, a pile up, it was almost like being at a Brewers game when they clear the clubhouse...exciting stuff and well, someone finally called the cops and the rangers, (we were at a state park) and we had to explain how a wedding that didn't include ALCOHOL turned into a good old fashion wedding brawl...

Here comes the best part...yeah, best part, I was saving the best part for last...Some of the new husbands kinfolk are screaming obscenities at me....ME...because I threw Cirrhosis out...to which I (believe it or not) smiled and installed my own brand of blessings on their untrained a$$es..."F you, and F you, and oh yes, F you too...by the way, did I tell you how this whole wedding started...the mom of new husband held up the wedding by showing up AN HOUR LATE to show off her displeasure at her son finally growing a testicle and getting married to the bride. And yet, I'm the bad guy...as her family streamed down the hill to their cars BEFORE the cops were called...they called me names...I just lost 10 pounds but these people were calling me fat...no, not "phat" but FAT...and I, the good Christian who loves Jesus, and I do, I honestly do, I F-them, each and everyone of them with a big ass smile on my face...you would've been right to think me drunk, but believe it or not, I was stone cold sober, although I was probably hyped up on Cherry Coke and a tad of coleslaw...BUT, the part I was saving, and this is the best part...THE CAKE hadn't been cut yet...that's the part that is truly gratifying to me...some members of his family didn't. get. ANY. CAKE...bitches...

And if they thought I was fat before the cake...

Well anyway,

How was your weekend?

Life is getting weird

So this morning I'm updating my radio station's facebook page..."Breaking NEWS...it's HOT out...adjust your life style..." when what pops up in the bottom left hand corner of my screen...my firstborn has updated his "LIFESTYLE" status!!! First off, I'm shocked...my son has a lifestyle? How can that be? When I left for work this morning he was still in bed...And now he's in a relationship? (Time to hit the pause button, oh wait, there is no pause button, unless my husband paid the cable bill for this month.) But half the time I hit the pause it doesn't work...probably because someone borrowed the batteries...and in my house with three kids still living there, there are too many suspects, and each and everyone of them will have an airtight alibi. My son has an "updated lifestyle status..." And there's nothing I can say about it, because if I do, he will exercise the only option he has while still living at home while attending college. He will unfriend me. And I suspect the only reason I actually saw his status update is because he forgot I'm still one of his friends. I forced him to friend me after he unfriended me the last time for hitting "like" one too many times on one of his many "Brewer's rule" status...can't remember which one...One, to my son, is sometimes too much.

Son..."Ultimate frisbee was great!" Mom...LIKE. Son..."I warned you..."

Leaving me unfriended, and out of the loop in his life...shoot, even my brother who I rarely communicate with has been able to maintain his friend status...and he hits the "like" button way more then I do!!! Life isn't fair sometimes...I suppose I could just ask my son "how's it going.."

Son..."Why are you asking me that? What do you want to know?" Mom..."Nothing, just wondering how you're doing..." Son..."You're always asking me how I'm doing...I'm fine...stop worrying about me...cut the umbilical cord mom...I'm a grown up..." Mom..."You sleep in my basement..." Son..."Most kids under 30 sleep on in the basement thanks to today's economy and dismal job opportunity...and we don't have a basement!!! I sleep on the couch." Mom..."And I'm grateful for that son, otherwise I'd never see you!"

Thank God for facebook. Now here's hoping my son doesn't read this blog!