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Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Dumb stuff I said this year...


January 10th, in honor of the Olympics..."Believe it or not it was ten times worse walking the dog on glare ice tonight then it was in the frigid polar wind chills the other night...nothing beats watching an old dog trying to do his business while involuntarily sliding down sidewalk while I'm skating behind him with a pooh bag. I completed the walk with a triple lutz into the nearest snowbank while the old dog pretended not to notice."

On getting old...

All choices contain consequences which you pay for later in life--like for instance--My life long lack of food restraint means continuous dieting...OR..In the case of my fitnessed obsessed neighbor, knee surgery...

The problem with youtube is that it makes it possible for me to stay up all night watching the same video over and over...California Dreaming by the Mama's and Papa's...

You know television is really crap when the only thing you want to watch on cable is the Time/Life video selections...

You know what's great about late night television shows...you learn so much about information on things that want to kill you, like venomous spider bites and boa constrictors...A snake in a cage will spend all day and night trying to figure out how to get out and go after you...I'd make a lousy snake...I'd spend all day trying to figure out how to get out of the cage and change the channel...


Signs that I'm too old to sleep without some help;
Finally, the doctor reordered the Ambien for me...after another lecture on how sleep aids can be addicting and habit forming...You know, like how getting 8 hours of solid sleep a night can become addicting and habit forming...

Signs that I am old;

1. I'm actually considering a subscription to Readers Digest...and paying extra for LARGE PRINT...
2. And this is even scarier...Realizing that I actually DO like fruitcake...

Signs that I've developed some wisdom along the way;

When I was young I thought a sign of maturity was putting a pillow and an alarm clock next to the toilet before I went out and partied...Years later I realized I could just drink less and sleep in my own damn bed...

True maturity would have involved me noticing that I wasn't "rockin' my 80's perm..."

On losing a beloved member of the family;


After my husband caught me yet again on a website I shouldn't be on (Bichon rescue), I told him I would either have to have grief therapy or get another bichon....My husband asked how much I think the therapy would cost...

My beloved stepson left the nest today and although I should be happy because he is now officially living on his own, I'm not...He took the Keurig machine with him...


Reasons why I like Summer more then winter;
In the Winter, you can put on your flannel pj's at 5 pm and no one notices...In the Winter, you can then wear those flannel pj's over to Walmart if you have a long enough winter coat and no one cares...In the Winter, you can take naps at night and still be tired enough to go to sleep at bedtime.
Why I like Summer more then winter...In the Winter, there's nothing to do...


Good news/bad news meaning of Happiness;

Happiness is remembering you have an unopened box of Eggo waffles.
Pain is realizing you are out of syrup.


On Dieting;

Have you ever noticed how many donut shops you live by after you decide to go on a diet?


On Easter;

Fat Tuesday.
Diet Wednesday.

Jesus Loves the Little Children;

Red and Yellow, black and white...We are all equal at the DMV...

On Thanksgiving;

Thanks to the internet I can now cook a Thanksgiving Turkey for the first time ever...I mean there are hundreds of recipes on how to cook a Thanksgiving turkey, with at least half of them telling you to start the turkey upside down in the oven...BUT NOT ONE of those recipes give you any idea what to do after the turkey flies out of the pan and hits the floor after you attempt to flip it over..

Why Bears Hibernate;

Another wickedly white knuckle night on the highway with morons spinning out all around me...thankfully the potholes on 60th provided much needed traction...Now I know why bears hibernate in the winter...they hate to drive...

To my dear Mother on my first Mother's Day without her;

Would you believe we got a beautiful sunny day? I have dreaded facing this day for months, grieving over the thought that this year I wouldn't be able to visit you, hold you or tell you how much I love you...Your absense is like being in a really bad club where the price of admission is a broken heart...BUT... Would you believe, when I woke up this morning the sunrise was so beautiful, the birds were chirping, it was just impossible to feel completely horrible...So I decided to plant some flowers in your memory and wanted to do pansy's, but then decided against them because they only last a short time before the heat wilts them and the pansy's just break my heart. My husband said plant them anyway, and enjoy them while they're here. So that's what I'm going to do, in your honor.

http://www.blogher.com/emails-heaven

Famous Last Words...

When my husband wanted to know why I was running out in my flannel pj's to Walmart, I replied "it's not like I'm going to run into anyone I know at Walmart tonight..." Hashtag...‎I‬ ran into everyone I know at Walmart tonight...

Monday, December 01, 2014

Why I haven't posted lately...

It's been a while since I posted and by "been a while" I mean..."Oh my goodness, last November...Wow! I guess it has been a long time...Over a year...

Well, it's not like you've missed anything...I've been in a rut lately, sitting on my butt in front of the tube, eating popcorn popped in coconut oil (because it's suppose to be good for your metabolism) while watching The Biggest Loser or The Property Brothers (Boy those brothers are thin! How do they do it???)...I've gained weight, lost it, and gained it back again, although just recently I lost almost 20 and it's actually harder keeping it off then losing it...

I had to put my dog Maxx down and that about killed me...It's amazing how much one little dog can light up the entire front room, especially a dog that enjoyed cuddling...Just recently I learned what the phrase rainbow bridge really means...for the longest time I assumed it had something to do with being gay on a bridge...Now I know that it means my dog will be waiting for me over a multicolored bridge, although I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he was waving a rainbow flag...


Somewhere between my mom's death and Maxx's death, I lost the joy of writing...I would start to blog about something and then stop and criticize myself..."Who cares what I think? This really sucks. This is why doves cry..." Ok, maybe not the last comment, but definitely the other stuff.

Losing the joy of blogging has been like being on one big blog diet...When you're on a diet you wake up in the morning and the first thing that crosses your mind is "Today, I cannot eat anything delicious, I probably should go back to bed..." Or in my case, "I have nothing interesting to say to anyone because I am boring, I think boring thoughts, I am boring my computer, I probably should go back to bed, and I would too but my boss expects me to come to work..."

There are things I could blog about...how I lost 20 pounds in 40 days drinking apple cider vinegar, my battle with the bunnies over my impatiens (and how the bunnies kicked my butt), or how my peonies had a banner year;


I could blog about all that but I'd probably bore you...but at least that would be a start...



Monday, November 11, 2013

Things I'm doing while I should be working on my resume...

There are probably thousands of reasons why I should be working on my resume right now with the top reason being...my husband said "do it!"...

I had a really nice resume made three years ago that I thought I still had somewhere, with somewhere being the operative word...I have a resume somewhere that really doesn't matter because the skills I have listed on it doesn't apply to any job outside of the radio world...And I know that because I just read a new article off of Monster.com AND LinkedIn (so it's got to be true) that claims that all the Fortune 500 jobs are using robots to read the resumes that are submitted for jobs. Depressing. And all this time I thought it was because my resume sucked. Nope. It was just because I couldn't get past the robots, making my resume sound like the equivalent of a Playstation game. All that is missing are headphones so I can hear all the other resumes screaming as they get shot down by the robots. No wonder I'm sitting here playing mahjong instead of typing up a new resume..."Why bother if I'm just going to get shot down by robots?"
Wearing the Bee head at the Wisconsin State Fair is not a job skill unfortunately, but it should be. I got a real headache from wearing that thing!

On closer read I noticed that this article gave some very good advice about what you should and should not do to get past the robots;
Use keywords, or adjectives that describe your work ethic (conscious, driven, consciously driven), and avoid abbreviations, spelling out manager instead of using mgr. This would be a real problem for me as I have never managed anything (my time, weight, money) so obviously it wasn't that particular word manager that got my resume bounced.

But this article by Eric Larson entitled Meet The Robots Reading Your Resume has given me some food for thought and that is I have a piece of broasted chicken left over from lunch sitting in the fridge that I really should eat before one of my kids get it...
I am a team player, my station needed someone to bounce in the bouncy thing and I jumped right in!

Opps...Team player is not on the list, but the words conscious and consciously driven are two words that I've intersected with especially in my last old job, before this one...
I am conscious of the fact that there is a mat in front of me and these girls are expecting me to perform a summersault.
I am consciously driven to make a fool out of myself.

Wouldn't that be cool if that got my resume past the robots! Especially if it was for a job that required bouncing!

Or wearing a big hat?

Or standing next to someone wearing a weird hat?

Or serving barbecue at a radio appearance at a furniture store?

This last thought has got me thinking...I could get a job where I serve food..."Would you like fries with that?"

Fries...that's right! There are a few fries left with that broasted chicken downstairs in the fridge. Man, I hope the kids haven't found that yet...I really should go down and get it...Oh wait, what about my resume? Forget it, my husband's asleep.

Saturday, November 09, 2013

The Dog is having a bad day, and other adventures....

There is no dog food sale that justifies the constipation the dog is going to suffer when you change his food...this is probably the main reason our dog is having a bad day. Well, that and the fact that my husband banished him in the bedroom with me because he wouldn't leave my stepson's dog alone...our stepson's dog's name is Stella and she is in heat (boom chicka wow wow) for the first time, but it could also be that she has a shiny new raw hide bone...but either way, Mr. Max has been forced into exile upstairs with me because he could not keep his opinions to himself...that he likes the ladies and he likes their treats...

Max is clearly unhappy with this turn of events. In his mind he has been the ruler of the house for the last 10 years and survived the addition of a new dog 3 years ago, making this dog (Brutus) his subordinate.

Now he's "bad dog, bad dog Max!" and is perplexed on how this happened. I'm lying on the bed struggling with the after effects of a flu shot, (They say that getting sick after a flu shot is a myth, but this is the third year in a row this "myth" has happened) and I'm not too sympathetic to his plight, although he doesn't probably realize it as I'm trying to get him to stop whining by feeding him my saltines..."please stop whining Max...please stop...shut up...SHUT UP...dammit dog!...here's a cracker." This sequence of events goes on for several minutes until I've had enough, drag my carcass to the door and let him out. Almost immediately shouting can be heard downstairs and two minutes later the dog is back upstairs, and sitting with his head next to my ear...whining...


Max is a bichon frise which is french for "you paid too much for this dog." He came as a gift from my mother to my daughter years ago, but it was not a love connection. Max simply prefers other males, like my husband, as company.


Right now the dog doesn't realize it but I'm the best friend he's got...because no one in the house is going to put up with his crap...literally...I'm the chief dog walker at this establishment...I'm also the person who begs my husband for a few more bucks when Max ends up at the Vet;


Me: The vet says the dog needs 10 teeth pulled, and he has heart problems, but he thinks he can save him for 700 bucks...

Husband: What can he do with 200?

Me: We can get a group cremation and possibly a nice urn...

Husband: What does the urn look like?

The last time Max was at the Vet, we truly thought it was the last time...but it wasn't, Max went home with a prescription for laxatives, and we ended up with a bill for 170 bucks and for a while there was peace in the household...

Right now the dog is miserable but the tone of his whining has changed, and I realize that he's trying to communicate a new message with me...(What's that Lassie? Timmy's in the well? Whose Timmy? It was a TV show that was decades before you were born...) Nope, this whine is definately not for another cracker. I hook Max up and out into the neighborhood we roll, armed with a poo bag for Max, and a (vomit) bag for me...it takes a few minute but the job eventually gets done, but, they say no good deed ever goes unrewarded and this time the dog has poo stuck on his butt and is going to need a bath and apparently there's no one else in the house whose going to do it...when I came back after walking the dog and yelled, "can somebody help me, he's got pooo..." the house went strangely quiet...so now it's me and the dog, in the tub, and the dog is squealing and shaking water all over me...and I'm swearing...when suddenly my husband shows up at the door with a glass of wine...

Me: For me?

Husband: No, for the dog...where's your Xanax?

Me: Why, do you think I need it?

Husband: No, everyone in the house that can hear you needs it...

Max eventually calms down, and I make my way back to bed for a long winters nap when it suddenly occurs to me...I left the box of crackers on the bed...and the subordinate was left alone in the bedroom...this is going to be a long, "crappy" night.

NaBloPoMo November 2013

Monday, November 04, 2013

Nothing to say...

I have been sitting in front of this computer now for almost an hour with nothing to say...which is simply incredible if you know me, but explainable if you realize that 3 days ago I decided to sign up for NaBloPoMo on Blogher and almost immediately ran out of ideas...I'm not sure that counts as a coincidence or not. Deciding to write a blog a day for NaBloPoMo gives November a sense of purpose for me...it means that it's not just a cold, dark month with nothing to do but go to work or nap...Now it's a cold, dark month where I blog about going to work and napping!

But I skipped the nap today because I promised my girlfriend last week I'd watch her kid for her today. I picked this little cherub up from school and promised her all the things you promise a kid when you know you have to watch them for two hours but then get to give them back...it's kind of like being a grandmother...consider it a form of friends with benefits if by benefits you get to enjoy being in the presence of a child, but you don't have to buy health insurance for them...Oh! And did I mention you get to give them back...I took this kid to Barnes and Noble because I still have a membership card with them until November 18th, which means today I still get the 10 percent discount on the Hershey chocolate cheesecake! About 10 minutes later I noticed she had barely touched her cheesecake which prompted me to utter something I thought I'd never say in a million years to anyone..."Eat your chocolate, kid!"

It turns out this little girl hates cheesecake, too bad for her but hey, hey, it was my lucky day because I'm not signing up for Weight Watchers until tomorrow, or next week, or maybe even next year...hard to say. I got her a consolation hot chocolate and then started to help her with her homework. We started with math. It was something to do with graphs. Graphs. She's an eight year old. That's when I decided it was probably time to take her to my house so I could search for one of my adult children...one of them just graduated from college this year, and the other one took math last semester. Thank God. My daughter offered to help...I kid...she did help...but that was after I begged her...I promised to let her use this computer right after I wrote my NaBloPoMo blog for today...

That was two hours ago...my friend came and got her kid, and one hour ago I sat down in front of this computer and started playing Mahjong while I waited for lightning to strike me with an idea...my daughter has been in twice asking when I'm getting off this computer but seriously I have nothing to say...

Cindy Huber

NaBloPoMo November 2013

Saturday, November 02, 2013

Emails from Heaven...

I really don't know how to start this other then to say losing my mom has been a lot like I would imagine falling off a cliff would feel. I recently checked my facebook posts from last year, and just about every post started out "please pray for my mom"--OR--"My mom is in ICU again..." And then there were all the emergency trips to Iowa.

Then my mom died. And you would think that in a small way, I would feel some peace of not having to worry about her; from wondering if she's taking her heart medications, to whether she left the water running in the kitchen faucet and is it flooding the basement again...but seriously, I don't. What I feel now is what I imagine hitting the ground would feel like, pain followed by numbness. Even in my dreams she's ill. My mom was so sick, for so long, I can't even remember what she was like when she was healthy.


Recently I got a call that required a resume, and as queen of the "put off today what you should be doing, and tomorrow you'll still have that problem." That's me, I invented that saying! But I was excited none the less, because I knew I had a copy of my resume somewhere in my old email folders...You know, the archives...where you're suppose to stick all your crap so it doesn't clog up your INBOX, or my INBOX, which, the last time I counted (a couple of minutes ago)had 125 emails, 80 of them unread. My email box is like that TV show Hoarders, except much less exciting.

But back to my resume, I knew I had done one 3 years ago when I last lost my job (before this), but it wasn't in there...not in any of the 3 archive folders I have, which, as you might suspect...are jammed.

But what I found in one of my folders was far more precious then any old resume I might have found...I found several of my mom's old emails to me, back before she got so ill, back before she got so cloudy she couldn't remember how to dial a phone, or turn on the computer. The first email she ever sent me is dated February 13, 2008 and is labeled Love you...other subjects included How much do I love you, only a mother would know, Thinking of you, I bet your asleep, To my sweetheart, Praying for you, Have not forgotten you...with the very last email she sent me, February 2, 2010, Missing you;

Dear Cindy,
It is about 11:00 p.m. Have been on the phone for 1 and 1/2 hours to a lady named Sonja that I met at the animal shelter quite a few years ago. She called to let me know that a young man that worked there probably about 35 years old died today with pancreatic cancer and wondered if I remembered him. I just don't. Maybe if I saw a picture of him I might remember him. But here again is a young man or young person with pancreatic cancer. I sometimes think that a lot of this cancer is caused by a poor immune system. The younger generation has been raised on McDonalds, Burger Kings and wouldn't know a cabbage from a cauliflower. Also we have a lot more additives in everything. I agree with you also that food kept in plastic containers or water is a cause of cancer. Years ago most things were kept in glass containers. Well your dad is waiting for me. I love him so must call it a night.
Missing you with all my heart but so thank-full for the time we had. My how it flew.
Love and kisses,
Mom

If I had won the Powerball I wouldn't have been more excited. I didn't know I had saved these, it's like the back of my closet, I don't even remember the last time I checked there. It was like getting my mom back again, even if it was only in a few emails. It was like getting an email from Heaven.



But the best part came last night, I had that dream about my mom again...She is lying in bed, hooked up to a million and one cords, but this time I wasn't sad, I reached over and said "Mom! I'm so glad to see you again, I love you!" As I was giving her a hug, I woke up. And I now have some peace.

NaBloPoMo November 2013

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

If you are easily offended by everything, do not read this...

Recently I've noticed that there are a certain amount of people who are easily offended by just about everything. These people offend me.

This week's chief offender is former Dancing with the Star Julianne Hough who dressed up for Halloween as some character I've never heard of, from some reality or TV show I couldn't care less about...but from what I've read, this character is apparently black.

This came as some kind of shock to me, because when I saw the picture of Julianne in her costume...I thought she was trying to be Miley Cyrus! Speaking of Miley, didn't she offend some "Asian Pacific Americans" a few years ago by pulling her eyes in a slanted position while the paparazzi were near by? Much like Julianne Hough, she was accused of being racist, and just like Julianne recently did, apologized.

I can assure you I would never intentially insult you, unless of course it's too late and you're already insulted...in that case...screw you.

It's sort of a flashback for me because I can still remember former Cheers TV star Ted Danson getting in trouble for wearing "blackface" at a Friar's Roast and also being accused of being racist. He was sort of forgiven only after it was revealed his girlfriend at the time, Whoopi Goldberg, had put him up to it. Speaking of which, I am a huge fan of Whoopi Goldberg and I would love to dress up like her for Halloween some day but that would present several problems for me; First and foremost, Whoopi's actually much skinnier then me, prettier, but the biggest problem and fear for me is I'd probably be accused of being racist, which I'm not.

Honestly, racism is an ugly word that involves the idea that one's race is superior to another...but we've been throwing the word racist around for just about every stupid thing lately, that I believe we've totally diluted the meaning. We may have to invent a totally new word that means racist.

And if you don't agree with me, you're probably a racist. Whoa, wait a minute...you are not a racist!

(See how stupid that sounds?)